Poetry of Stephanie Bennett Henry

Lesson to Myself

I am not for everyone, maybe not for anyone at all and I am slowly learning to be okay with that.

Taking the lesson that every wrong look isn’t a death sentence plunging a knife into my heart. Learning not to see the color of someone’s eyes as a judgment that translates rejection.

Those shades always did kill me. I try to wrap my mind around the attitude that doesn’t care and that’s an easy thing to say isn’t it? Doing it is a different path and it’s never been level. Trips me with the jagged edges, makes me fall over the cracks, and maybe it’s me pushing myself down the way I mastered so long ago.

I guess, if I’m being honest, this lesson of not being my own worst enemy is the hardest one I’ve taken. I keep failing it like self sabotage is the best grade to earn and I owe myself every retake that’s offered by now. I want to get a perfect score on letting the world fall away without touching me first. I want extra credit for being able to smile and walk away unaffected, bonus points for holding a conversation that doesn’t rip my insides into a grave that buries me alive because I can’t breathe.

I always wonder why I was picked to be this person, the one who cannot pull it together even if my life depends on it and now my life is depending on it. But still there are days when something inside of me says, you can’t do this.. just jump. Another part of me that forces my eyes to stay fixed on the lesson of being undisturbed by eye contact, because why does it even matter? And why does it feel like dying inside anyway? Why am I like this?

I would love to know the answer, but I’m blank. It’s a slow process. Working through the disaster of yourself to find the pieces that fit together to make at least a little sense. I haven’t found any that fit yet, but I’m searching.

Digging soul deep. It’s not easy, but I will give myself an A for effort, and keep trying to solve the mystery, until I can crown myself and call it a victory.

-Stephanie Bennett-Henry

#stephaniebennetthenry

*Photo Credit: Amy Judd via Pinterest*

5 thoughts on “Lesson to Myself”

  1. I’m wondering what Myers Briggs you are, I am an INFP-A, sometimes INFJ. I NEVER FIT IN, I’m still waiting to get to the place where I don’t want to. I live for the day I don’t have to feel like the words that leave my mouth, someone within 8000ths of a second will correct, judge, chuff, or laugh at. Meanwhile, when I said it in my head like 20x before I spoke it, it sounded AMAZING.
    I would love to hear from you what your Myers Briggs is! If you are an INFP, it’s because we’re very rare.
    https://www.16personalities.com/
    x, Heather Clayton from Nashville area,
    I follow your FB Page
    PS! I could have written the above gist any day of the week and twice on Sundays. I love what you write, so you’re helping me, but if you are like me, you wish more people would just smile and thank you for your contribution more often and want to take the time to really get to know you ♥️

    Like

  2. Stephanie, I recently came across a quote attributed to you:
    Everyone survives in different ways. Me? One day at a time.
    Sometimes graceful, sometimes ugly,
    but all the same, brave and certain.

    Whenever I blog quotes, I like to include the original source -especially if it’s from a book the person has published so I can include a link to where people can purchase it. Is this your quote? Was is it a tweet or from a book or blog post? Thanks.

    Like

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