I guess this is part of saving myself. I tell myself the distance helps, but it’s a knife straight through the center of my heart. We both stand back, look on from afar, like strangers tend to do sometimes. Baby steps in this lesson of losing and letting go. I don’t always know and as much as I try to do it with grace, I am aware it’s anything but pretty. Is it supposed to be? I don’t think so. Because it mattered, so the graceful walk away… well, that’s for the mild hearted I guess. I am too passionate to tread lightly away from the view of that sky, even when it covered me as it fell like a storm that took my heart and smashed it to pieces with your name still inside. What can I say? I never did see a storm that made me run the other way. I’m the one who’s always running towards it, like a storm chaser risking it all just for one glimpse of the beauty, even when the edges are rough. Even when there’s a little dirt around the picture perfect sky. I will go stand under the same sky that fell, hold my hands out with a welcome, knowing it will fall again with the same ending. I will never weaken myself by toning down my heart enough to pretend the thunder was too scary to ever call the storm by name again, like it never happened at all. I guess I care too much sometimes. Mark myself with every piece, not only the good parts, but all of it. It’s a slow process to hold on to everything, feel it as much as I can until I don’t need to anymore and finally let it go. It kills me to watch it fly away. Maybe it always will. Maybe it already flew away a long time ago, but I’ve been holding it this whole time, so close to my heart, until I was ready to watch it fly into that same sky. I’m not ready for that just yet. Not this time, but one day… one day, I might be okay with looking into your eyes, like the storm itself, without wanting to run or hide or die… or cry. Maybe that’s when the lessons will hit me and I’ll know what the pain was meant to teach me… and I hope it leads to me saving myself. Whatever happens, I know this is always going to hurt. So be it. I will still hold the hand of that pain with good memories. I remember the colors in the sky before it fell and the shades it became after. In some strange way, there’s comfort in the memory of both. And even though it still covers me with the pain of how it fell when I wasn’t looking, I still see you flying. Piecing the sky back together just right, so you can watch those sunsets you love. I have seen the only sunset I ever need to see, still hold it like it’s the one thing saving me, and maybe I’ll hold it until I’m me again. Then let it go and save myself by shining like that moment before the sky fell on me to set you free, so you could fly away to where you need to be. I hope you fly straight into the eye of your dreams, touch each one with all of your heart, and never let go.