All My Heart

I wish there was an easy way for me to explain all of this through words, but there’s not and never will be. I know you don’t understand, the same as I never will be able to. No matter what, I never will. I lost more than my footing, so much more. My dreams are gone, my fears came to life, ate me alive, and it feels like I am still being chewed up. I am gone. My rising fell before it had a chance to even stand, much less fly. This bottom I keep hitting only falls lower with each day as a plunge crashing harder into a surface that never stops dropping. It’s never ending. And I’m so sorry. I wanted so much to be stronger for you, for myself. But I am changed. Gutted so deep with all that went left unsaid, between then and now. There’s nothing left. A shell of someone who once was, but I can’t be that again or anything at all. I wish I had it in me to shake it off, move forward as though the feelings between us were nothing more than friends who maybe crossed a few lines. But I know what it was. I can’t make light of it now and take away from what it was. I’ll never be able to do that. I can’t shut down like that, turn the world off, and focus on tomorrow. I’m still here, wondering how it all got destroyed. Still holding my heart together every single day with each new change that breaks me open like a hammer. Splits me in two like the person you were and the one you became when reality burned our dreams. I have no place for these ashes, but I can’t let them go. I keep them safe, I always will. I thought by now, it would be easier, that I would be better. But I was wrong. It only gets worse. And I’m sorry for everything. It’s a cruel world to show me you exist only to take you away with no explanation. Nothing has changed. I’m still the same. I hope you are smiling at the beauty you find in each day and no matter where I end up in this life, I will always be watching from afar as you catch those dreams. No one else deserves it more than you. With all my heart, I will be cheering you on. With all my heart.. I will love you like I always have. No matter what.

-Stephanie Bennett-Henry

#stephaniebennetthenry

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