Unintentional Breaking

I never meant to turn stone cold, like a light that dimmed so fast it broke. I didn’t mean to come down your throat like a quick temper with flailing arms and it was never intentional the way my softness hardened into a fist fight overnight.

I wanted to be stronger than that, keep my fight brave and never show weakness like that, but my fire burned out and I can’t begin to tell you how cold this room is.

My insides tremble from being frozen in time, stuck in the moments that chained my heart and held me prisoner of a past I won’t see again, but can’t stop searching. I wanted to stay thick skinned and untouchable to a life that hammers into my confidence, tries to break it at every swing.

But somewhere along the way, that hammer hit just right and I finally shattered. Thinned me out transparent, my heart can be viewed on the outside now if you dare to look in.

I didn’t look away from myself on purpose, but the cracks… they are hard to look at, harder to acknowledge, so I find myself unable to not look away. Honestly, I’m ashamed of the demons that jumped through the cracks of my breaking. But they stayed. Didn’t escape the way I did. Stayed for the show like I refused to.

Sometimes giving up is easier than facing what’s pulling you down and it’s hard to look at the face of that. So I try hard not to. I wanted to fly but I fell. I wanted to rise, but the drop of my fall was stronger than me and I’m not sure anymore if I have it in me to stand once again.

-Stephanie Bennett-Henry

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