I am not for everyone, maybe not for anyone at all and I am slowly learning to be okay with that. Taking the lesson that every wrong look isn’t a death sentence plunging a knife into my heart. Learning not to see the color of someone’s eyes as a judgment that translates rejection.
Those shades always did kill me. I try to wrap my mind around the attitude that doesn’t care and that’s an easy thing to say isn’t it? Doing it is a different path and it’s never been level. Trips me with the jagged edges, makes me fall over the cracks, and maybe it’s me pushing myself down the way I mastered so long ago.
I guess, if I’m being honest, this lesson of not being my own worst enemy is the hardest one I’ve taken. I keep failing it like self sabotage is the best grade to earn and I owe myself every retake that’s offered by now. I want to get a perfect score on letting the world fall away without touching me first. I want extra credit for being able to smile and walk away unaffected, bonus points for holding a conversation that doesn’t rip my insides into a grave that buries me alive because I can’t breathe.
I always wonder why I was picked to be this person, the one who cannot pull it together even if my life depends on it and now my life is depending on it. But still there are days when something inside of me says, you can’t do this.. just jump. Another part of me that forces my eyes to stay fixed on the lesson of being undisturbed by eye contact, because why does it even matter? And why does it feel like dying inside anyway? Why am I like this? I would love to know the answer, but I’m blank.
It’s a slow process. Working through the disaster of yourself to find the pieces that fit together to make at least a little sense. I haven’t found any that fit yet, but I’m searching. Digging soul deep. It’s not easy, but I will give myself an A for effort, and keep trying to solve the mystery, until I can crown myself and call it a victory.