The Power Stays Out

It was all beautiful until the reality of my heart split open and spilled out the ugly. The dirty kind of ugly that cannot be washed off. Left me coated in a filth that follows me everywhere I go, like tasting truth for the first time and choking to death slowly but surely and repeat it daily. Wake up for the dosage of yourself from someone else’s view, smother it thick with second guessing, add a side of uncertainty to my order, please, just to make sure it’s a painful way to go. I roll over in the torture of all that may or may not be said or unsaid behind someone’s eyes. It’s the loudest sound I have heard. Or maybe that’s the noise my own mind makes in the darkness of the doubting or in the silence of never being perfectly sure anyway. My heart is quiet, but loud with being certain of all it ever beats for. Reminds me with every beat, how it’s out of sync with my mind and sometimes my thoughts spill everywhere. I can’t focus when I’m falling, the thoughts trip me up, make me lose my balance enough, even my heart loses its way. I am lost as usual and that’s how the scenario plays out. Lost my compass of life when the lights went out one time for the final time like an encore playing music that summed up the end. The songs of my life- they’re not on the radio.. the station, it won’t come in clearly. The static takes over, no antenna to save the way the words linger under the noise before it all goes silent. But it’s never really silent, even with the radio off- those lyrics snuck in- they’re in my head now, looking for a room. There’s no room in here. It’s full. They don’t believe me. Stay like there’s music playing an invitation for a vacancy that isn’t there. All the words, they cram together so crowded, I feel a bit claustrophobic. Paranoid as if this mess is speaking aloud, if anyone else can hear the party turned massacre inside. I’m almost sure things are getting broken, can you hear it? I can’t stop hearing it. Makes my hands tremble without notice, no warning for the way this rips my spine clean, wraps it around the dirty until it drowns in all I made up in my head. But no… I can’t stop breathing life back into it. Keeping the monsters alive so my demons won’t be lonely, like me. Fall asleep to stop it, to wake up and repeat again tomorrow. My mind is an endless echo keeping itself company when the power goes out. Sometimes the power stays out if all the lines fall in the storm. They join with the static and stay for the music.

-Stephanie Bennett-Henry

#stephaniebennetthenry

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