For Everything and Nothing

The world is far too beautiful for the ugliness that rapes my thoughts. For the remembering I can’t stop until I turn it into a chaos I want to forget, but never can. For the silence stripping me raw and so loud, I try to cover my ears, but my heart jumps out with a refusal I can’t ignore. For the indifference like a slow death, constantly cutting into me with the roughest edges I have ever known. For all I tell myself to answer the uncertainty so I can find closure. I search for it at night, sleepwalk wide awake where I once met you in the sweetest dreams under the most peaceful sleep. For being lost and found to being lost again where numbness takes over leaving me unable to feel, but I still see the slow motion picture show playing in my mind every minute. For the feelings I can’t pause. For putting myself here. For losing myself here. For my mind, for my heart, for the battle I can never win. For the hope I still hold, the wishful thinking, the dreams that died for your ghost, for you, for everything that turned to nothing and the way I mourn it. How can I not? For these words like weapons without a purpose other than the aim pointed straight at me, hitting me where it hurts the most without fail. For all the times I ask myself why I am this way, with this heart like an open wound that feels everything so much, I’m left with my own blood on my hands. For the apologies I make on behalf of these feelings that won’t die. For the way it makes me sad that I would apologize for feeling. For the way I curse myself as though the hate from my own mouth would make me matter. For the lessons I didn’t learn because none were presented. For the time I spent getting over this hurdle of myself, only to fall over it now and have to start again from the beginning. For taking a chance that slapped me in the face of all I ever wanted. For allowing myself to be dismissed as though I know it by heart. For knowing it by heart in the first place. For second guessing when there was no other choice. For holding the blame when I know better. For thinking I was the only one. For being so naive. For painting the red flags in other colors so they wouldn’t stand out as much. For pretending to believe to not hurt someone else instead of just calling bullshit. For hating myself enough to put my health on the back burner. For loving someone more than myself. For rationalizing the dismissal of myself to try to keep you. For forgetting to see the footnotes of I love you no matter what because I loved you no matter what. For thinking everyone means what they say like I do. For ruining everything. For still loving you despite all of this. For still saying it when I know how much it hurts that you don’t anymore. For letting my heart break in the first place. For still offering you the pieces of what’s left. For acting like you haven’t moved on without me. For the selective memory that was the answer all along. For believing my heart was good enough on its own. For wanting to drive to you to love you one more time. For thinking a second chance will make you see. For being so pathetic. For not being able to write about anything but you. For our conversations that someone else gets now. For letting that make me sad. For becoming strangers. For letting delayed rejection torture me. For accepting silence as an answer because you shield me from the truth. For still writing this. For not being good at endings. For not being able to accept the ending of us. For all you used to say. For all you never do now. For thinking you made a mistake. For loving you so fucking much, I still cannot breathe. For the whys I still answer on your behalf. For being so sure about something For letting it break me. For still believing there’s a chance. For wanting to end this with…. I still love you.

-Stephanie Bennett-Henry

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6 thoughts on “For Everything and Nothing

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