If Only

I have had a broken heart before, but nothing like this. It’s different now. I don’t really understand it myself, but maybe it’s because of the time invested, connections made that can’t be remade, giving everything, risking a lot, time lost. Things like that I’ll never get back again. I believe it changed me, marked me up like a scar I will never get rid of, but more than that. It made me see myself differently, made me question too much about things I never doubted, until I started to second guess what I thought promised to be true. That was a horrible feeling. To have someone love you so much and then not at all. I’m not sure why I still torture myself with wondering, but I guess silence has a way of doing that. When everything you know changes, you are left with an emptiness that will remain unfinished forever. But somehow, you find yourself clinging to this false hope, like you’ll wake up and everything will go back to normal. It never does. The time passes until it’s lost and you can’t get time back. It’s more than a broken heart though, feels like losing your spirit, as though the wind came along, knocked you down, took the breath right out of you and laughed a little as it took everything that meant something. I know deep down I’m not getting any of that back, and I know I won’t ever feel that way again. Now I shut down to make sure I don’t allow anything to enter my heart again. Try to turn off the noise from my thoughts that take my sleep and maybe I am going crazy… how could I not? How could anybody not? But perhaps I was wrong for believing something so deep, I would’ve bet my life on it, and I guess in a way, that’s exactly what I did. I lost. I really lost. I gave too much of myself or maybe you took too much. Either way, it’s ruined. I have no idea why or how. I only know that I don’t do stuff like that for the fuck of it. Only if I’m certain it will be a life changing moment, and I guess it was for me. Changed me in ways I don’t know what to do with now. I don’t know me now. I only hear the theme song for twilight zone playing in my head over and over, I don’t know how I got here or how long it’s going to take to get out. But this..this is definitely hell. I know it exists now. Like being in heaven and getting thrown out, drop straight down and burn… the burn never stops. I go in circles with this constantly. Play scenarios in my head until my mind gets fucked harder and harder, same as my heart, or what’s left of it. I never learned how to take commitments lightly, or things we call promises. But now, I just don’t believe in anything at all anymore. I believed in you. I believed in us. I guess I will always believe in you. As for myself, I can’t ever get that back. I’m not sure which I’m mourning more, losing you or losing myself. Maybe I’m not ready to call us a loss and bury us yet. I still have a tiny bit of hope that grabs my hand from time to time and it won’t let go. I think you made a mistake, but that’s not for me to say. But letting go seemed so easy for you. I guess that’s what hurts the most. It always will. And I’m not myself anymore, as I write this, I don’t know what happened to who I was… or who this person is now, but she writes… and I’ve never felt so pathetic for her. I want myself back. That’s all. It seems like that’s asking a lot. But it’s my fault for losing myself in the first place. My heart is too big for this, but it was just right for you. If only you had seen it. If only… and that’s the story of my life.

-Stephanie Bennett-Henry

#stephaniebennetthenry

2 thoughts on “If Only

  1. The words that might change this, even if I could find them, are not mine to say. I am not the one you address. What I can say is that I have loved and gone all in, believing the other was the same and found it not so, that even our ideas of what love is were different, too different. I feel what you write here.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s