When I fall, I fall too hard,
I guess I always will.
And maybe I don’t know how
to let go at the right time,
but eventually I do in my own time.
It’s not as easy as it sounds,
falling hard and rising back up
in a way that appears graceful
enough to keep some dignity.
I never learned how to hold
someone or something
with hands from only half of my heart.
I guess sometimes that can be too much.
I guess I can be too much.
I’m sure it’s not just me
There must be others out there
who love too hard
and take the loss when it comes
like a death they’ll mourn forever
I still bring flowers to your memory
and cry for all that stayed unanswered.
I hold your hand down memory lane
and hope that sometimes
your heart let’s you stroll that way too.
I am still learning how to stop apologizing
for myself, still teaching myself
not to carry the blame
for every wrong I wear like this skin
I can’t rip out of.
I guess I missed out on how to just let go.
I can only let go if the universe feels it
and the sky falls to mark
the memory of my loss.
I know… it’s not always about me,
but isn’t it?
The pain I feel is mine.
It hurts all the time,
lingers inside like forever
growing into never
and the never blooms into words
that repeats losses,
announces them like failures
and my heart is a loud speaker
that keeps breaking itself open
into a fist fight that never quits.
I wish I could teach myself not to fall.
How to stay level headed,
Block out that voice from my heart
that only says, follow me…
I want to be heartless.
Let it all roll off of me
as though it went unnoticed,
like I never felt a thing.
I want to tell myself
you were nothing more than a stranger
who stopped to ask for directions
one day and we both got lost.
I want to say it was an accident
the way we told secrets
to each other like our life stories
I want to say, it doesn’t matter
and maybe it never did,
but my heart…
it catches fire when I tell lies,
it catches fire when I talk about you.
Me, always being too much
or maybe not enough
Whichever it is, I can’t be sorry.
You showed me the light
for so long and I’m positive
that’s the only beautiful thing I’ve known,
but the curtains closed
in an instant as if the sun
was telling me it never happened at all.
Like we never happened at all.
It feels like tasting dreams
only to wake up
choking on nightmares,
it never stops…
I don’t know how to stop reaching
for you in the middle of the night
like you are still mine to reach for,
or how to let go…
I never wanted to let go,
but your ghost doesn’t keep me warm
the way your heart did.
I am still trying to accept these days
that cloud over without you,
these nights where all the stars
stayed with you
and my wishes followed.
I’m a blank sky,
words swallowed whole
in the letting go.
There’s nothing left…
Sometimes I just need to know
if nothing else,
that I at least cross your mind
every once in a while,
that we still grace your thoughts
and it makes you smile
even if only a little.