So I plug in the white noise at night. Soothing sounds from my playlist to rest my mind. Maybe settle my thoughts while I search for some peace through sleep. It never works. My mind likes to throw parties at the most inconvenient times. I need a pause button for this exhaustion. It’s in my soul. The clock doesn’t care what time it is or how loudly it ticks to let me know time is running. I stopped chasing it too long ago to remember what it feels like to be on time, even though it was always the wrong time. My internal clock busted. I lost track so long ago. I don’t have to be anywhere like anywhere doesn’t have to be with me. Still I picture an hourglass in my mind. Sand moving through. Some days too slowly. Some nights quicker than I can see the way it’s over before I know. That’s my life sifting through. I’m not even watching it anymore or maybe it stopped watching me. I only know for sure that I stopped keeping track of the hours. The days stopped mattering, The nights became cruel. I never check the weather. The sky doesn’t care if I fall, so the feeling is mutual. The heaviness I carry is from the stars. Spitting my wishes back to me in a downpour of No. There’s a rumble in the thunder that sounds like my name sometimes, but the lightning told me beforehand, time works in mysterious ways. I take that to mean never since it’s not now. I don’t speak the language of the sky anymore. I only listen to this white noise, hoping to drown out the chaos from these thoughts that refuse to wind down. Closing my eyes winds it all up. I don’t need to check the weather to know my mind is a tornado, touching down in my heart and everything hurts no matter what day it is.