There are pieces I had to rip from my own hands because voluntarily letting go felt impossible. It felt like stabbing myself in the heart. It felt like watching myself die. Saying goodbye is never easy, even if it’s not goodbye forever, it still hurts to say goodbye to a moment that will never offer itself to you again. I guess I have a hard time with that. Letting go of moments that changed me… I never want to. I want to tuck them away somewhere and feel them forever. But those moments aren’t always for us, even if they are, maybe they are only meant for a short time instead of forever. And I hate those kind. Feels like something meant for me is telling me no, a rejection that says, You aren’t good enough so here’s some abandonment to teach you how to be better, but still…. I don’t want you even if you do become good enough somehow. And I know nothing in times like that other than how to fall to my knees and scream at the sky with a desperation pathetic enough to erase wishes from the stars. I never learned how to be okay with giving everything only to lose it. So I had to block it all out by losing myself. Teach myself a good lesson in what I thought I deserved and there’s no one who can drop you as low as yourself. I have been down there. The place where even the rocks leave you feeling more alone than the silence, where you drown in your own voice sobbing like the river runs only through you to take the good parts upstream, turns them into music only for someone else to hear. You can’t hear the music from your own pieces or see the people dancing from the song it made, you only feel the empty of those pieces you’ll never have again. That’s the bottom. When you lay there long enough, you just stop caring who takes what. It’s a free for all of taking from the giving up of you when you have nothing left to give. There’s no one down there who’s going to offer you anything, not even a hand, because why should they if you don’t believe you deserve it. You will stay down there long enough trying to forget who you are before you finally realize you are nothing as long as you stay down. You have to make your ass get up. You have to remind yourself sometimes how to breathe, how to keep going, how to get those pieces back and it’s never easy. But it’s not supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to be worth it. So stand back up and remember who you are isn’t based on what you lose, or how hard you go down, but rather how you get back up and rise. You can fall like ashes a million times and I swear to god, you are still capable of rising back up as the whole fire burning like you always did. So go on… show me how you burn all on your own.
Letters to Myself