You fall each time before you fly
and there’s nothing pretty about it
It’s not a caterpillar
It’s not a butterfly
This isn’t poetry
No fairy tales here to tell
This is real life
This is my fall
Before the flight
I stopped everything
Disconnected from anything
Lost the ability to care
I was last on my list
Refused treatment
along with medication
Ignored the red flags
Because I can handle anything, right?
Rubbed away whatever was crawling
under my skin
Plugged my ears to the voices
that kept telling me
to run into the traffic
Shrugged away the paranoia
that everyone anywhere
was staring
Made light of the fact
that I stayed locked up tight
in my own dark
behind closed doors
Patted myself on the back
for losing weight
without calling it by its name
Scrubbed my skin raw
from the disgust rolling around
Brushed away the twitches
of nervousness
like I was just that awkward
Blamed the dizziness
on clumsiness
Layered myself
to protect the bones from showing
Perfected moving food around
the plate so it looked eaten
before I threw it all in the trash
Hushed the obsessive compulsive ways
of my mind
Pretended to sleep
when I hadn’t for days
Walking the treadmill
like the sweat would save me
from the padding
Thoughts of razor sharp
making it better
Falling in love with strangers
made me feel normal
until they didn’t want me anymore
Perfecting the hidden cry
Smiling on cue
Still functioning enough
to keep questions away
Grocery shopping was a nightmare
Conversations felt like
being buried alive
Rejection felt like murder
Having it all
still felt like nothing
Hiding all of this
was survival
Hiding all of this
IS Survival
Admitting it feels like failure
but maybe
somewhere in that failure
is my flight
Maybe this is a step
that will lead me to the place
where I can call myself
a caterpillar
and become the butterfly
But not today.
-Stephanie Bennett-Henry
(22/38)
17 of 3,2018
Only machines with engines fly without first falling. Living creatures all first fall in order to fly. Even when the subject is pain, your words fall on the page and take flight.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on cabbagesandkings524 and commented:
Stephanie Bennett-Henry – falling to fly
LikeLike