In the Purging

So I cut the skin away because your eyes told me I was dirty just before your silence said I have never been worth more than worthless. Or maybe it was my own inner voice filling in the blanks of where your words used to sit so perfectly in my heart, I rinsed my mouth of all the words that ever came before that. Either way, this is the way life rips me open and throws me to the side like a discarded universe that never existed anyway. I sit here now with all these forced words, string them together and call them all a conversation, because the lies feel better than truth ever did; I soak myself. Blanket myself in so much bullshit, it starts to feel safe. Mark myself up with a permanent black marker, circling all the parts that need to change. Put a big X across my heart because that’s gone to shit too, and I can change out of this ugliness, so my heart will look pretty again. I don’t need the pity, but maybe I can use it to come out of this hell; it’s dark in here. My fire… oh, fuck how it used to burn. It burned out. Burned me alive from the inside out and stuck in my throat where your name choked me up, I gagged up the truth of all I ever knew and I’m dry heaving my own heart and pieces of yours are coming up too. I’m finished. Marking my calendar with dates before you and ones that came after. Writing numbers down like a difference will be made the quicker I shed this skin into change, empty myself enough to feel good, I’m almost there. It’s a countdown.. my heart still beats; it’s fucking ugly and beautiful swirled together, take your pick. Pick me apart and divide the pieces in boxes of your liking. Keep the pretty ones for yourself, leave the ugly pieces in my lap, it’s well deserved and I’m hungry for more ways I can fill myself with self loathing. I’m the same mess I was when ‘I love you’ was said a thousand times from your mouth until I kissed your lips and broke you. I broke me too. More than I already was. You’re a bad liar. I’m going under the knife to have the lies cut out, reshaping everything I ever knew to fit your heart. I don’t know another way to hate myself other than loving myself like this, like you do and did and will. I will too. I never changed my heart and the way it races with the passion painted in the light of your eyes, but the lights went out. I’m feeling my way through the dark of it all to find myself and maybe when I get there, I’ll see you again and the light in your eyes will come back on to show me I made it home or it will show me how to stay lost forever.

-Stephanie Bennett-Henry

#stephaniebennetthenry

6 thoughts on “In the Purging

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