Time of You

It is 1:00am

when my thoughts refuse to settle,

when I analyze every detail of my life,

when I start thinking of you again.

It is 2:00am

when I’m still wide awake for no reason

other than you and all the details of you

I have memorized deep in my bones.

It is 3:00am

and I’m still here with my mind like a curse

I wouldn’t put on my worst enemy.

I study every scenario of rights and wrongs,

what I should’ve done differently,

what I could’ve done better,

and all I would still change if only.

If only you were here I tell myself,

I would be fast asleep

not questioning anything at all.

It is 4:00am

and I may as well stay up now.

My eyes fear the closure, the dark,

the silence, while my thoughts

create anxiety that won’t allow sleep.

And here I am again with you,

my heart hurts.

I’ve convinced myself I’m losing you

and the cycle repeats the analysis

that’s always empty handed.

I need you more than the sleep

that I’m chasing, darling.

I need to wake up from this nightmare

and find you lying next to me.

It’s 5:00am

and the nightmare continues

until I finally doze off alone,

out of your arms, out of your reach,

I am cold.

The last thing I remember

before I close my eyes

is hoping that you’re warm.

-Stephanie Bennett-Henry

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