It is 1:00am
when my thoughts refuse to settle,
when I analyze every detail of my life,
when I start thinking of you again.
It is 2:00am
when I’m still wide awake for no reason
other than you and all the details of you
I have memorized deep in my bones.
It is 3:00am
and I’m still here with my mind like a curse
I wouldn’t put on my worst enemy.
I study every scenario of rights and wrongs,
what I should’ve done differently,
what I could’ve done better,
and all I would still change if only.
If only you were here I tell myself,
I would be fast asleep
not questioning anything at all.
It is 4:00am
and I may as well stay up now.
My eyes fear the closure, the dark,
the silence, while my thoughts
create anxiety that won’t allow sleep.
And here I am again with you,
my heart hurts.
I’ve convinced myself I’m losing you
and the cycle repeats the analysis
that’s always empty handed.
I need you more than the sleep
that I’m chasing, darling.
I need to wake up from this nightmare
and find you lying next to me.
and the nightmare continues
until I finally doze off alone,
out of your arms, out of your reach,
I am cold.
The last thing I remember
before I close my eyes
is hoping that you’re warm.