A friend recently told me that it’s hard to find yourself again after you’ve given up on yourself. That it’s not an easy thing to jump back into life after you stopped caring for so long and all the stuff that people do every day seems so simple until you stop doing it for years. There’s a certain fear that takes over and every tiny thing like just walking outside or going to the store or getting your hair done becomes huge. Huge in an impossible way. Forgetting yourself is easy, but remembering… it’s almost devastating. Because everyone is looking at you like you’re from another planet thinking.. just make the phone call, just go to the appointment, get your nails done, just fucking live again. It’s not like riding a bike. It’s different. It’s like you went to sleep for a decade or so and you wake up and have to relearn everything and you don’t even know how to take care of yourself anymore or where to begin. It’s starting from scratch or starting over I guess, on something you should’ve mastered a long time ago. So then you feel like a failure. You feel like a fool. And that’s how people close to you treat you. They don’t understand what the hell is wrong, but they never asked that question once when you weren’t living. The giving up is never questioned. But when you stand up and try to pull yourself out of the hell, when you try all on your own to live and breathe again for yourself, every step you take is questioned, faulted, counted. That makes it even more difficult because you were down for so long and no one cared or noticed and it takes a lot to pull yourself out of this daze. That’s when you kinda know you’re on your own and maybe you always were. Then you start to regret even getting up at all because you’ve never really been on your own and you start to think about all you could’ve done but didn’t and the self doubt creeps in to sabotage whatever steps you have attempted. Crazy thoughts take over like how you didn’t do anything with your life and you have no excuse other than you just gave up. And maybe that’s not so crazy because the people close to you will readily agree that you in fact haven’t done anything with your life.
All of it made me sad and angry and everything. I just told her to keep walking no matter what anyone else says or thinks because it’s not about anyone else. This is all you. Do the best you can today and then do better tomorrow. It’s never too late. I hope she believes me.
-Conversations with the mirror
*Photo source via Pinterest: COOPH, DIYPHOTOGRAPHY.net