Outside Looking In

I have held myself for so long

in this noose of perfection, I don’t know

how to be okay without the security of

the way this blanket feels on my skin.

I missed the boat that teaches the

lesson of feeling good enough in my

own skin to dare call myself beautiful.

Confidence isn’t something I was taught

and I am telling you it’s not easy to learn

how to Love yourself while you are still

swallowing self loathing like a vitamin

you taught yourself to love the taste of.

It doesn’t mean anything to me when

someone says I am beautiful.

That’s what people say right?

They’re only being nice right?

The thing is… I would feel the same

whether anyone ever said it or not.

Because I haven’t learned to believe it.

I never learned how to see it.

I look in the mirror

and see ugly things.

I tell myself ugly things.

And I feel so much less than beautiful.

But I think if I could turn myself

inside out, rip my heart out and take

a long hard look,

it would be beautiful

and I would see it and believe it.

Because it’s my heart that holds

the beauty,

not this bullshit on the outside;

look inside.

-Stephanie Bennett-Henry