Rapid Cycling

Everything is calm outside the window.

The noise you hear is the rapid cycling

of my heart getting a head start

on my mind before my mind

crosses the finish line first

and takes it all before anything else

has a chance to say… slow down…

wait for me…. no.

My mind doesn’t care

if you catch up or not.

It doesn’t care if you catch on

or catch fire.

It’s just how it is.

There’s not a button anywhere

for me to take control

of this madness

that sometimes feels like

a carnival with roller coasters

or a freak show circus of clowns

who won’t stop smiling

that creepy fucking smile.

It’s never going to be pretty.

My heart says it’s always beautiful

but my mind…

my mind has a thousand ways

to turn it into the ugliest thing

you’ve ever seen.

Don’t try me.

Don’t test the waters here.

I swear to god you can’t handle

how deep the deep end goes

and how shallow my reasoning is

as it turns waves into excuses

that no one can surf.

I’m telling you

these waters,

sometimes they are shark infested.

Sometimes they are not.

But there are no warning signs.

You either dive in or you don’t.

I don’t have that choice.

I’m always diving from the high dive,

spiraling down

so ungracefully

and almost always landing

head first into the shallow.

It hurts.

But only for a few seconds

and I’m swimming with the sharks

like it’s the most beautiful moment

in the world… until it’s not.

And it turns into fear.

I don’t know how long I can tread

these open seas..

and maybe I’ll never find out

because next thing I know

I’m flying high

hot air balloon style,

it’s calm until it loses control

and I’m in a free fall again.

But it’s beautiful,

It’s fucking gorgeous.

The mess you see,

the disaster you see,

the destruction you see…

to me,

it’s nothing short of brilliant;

a breathtaking song

I cannot stop dancing to.

-Stephanie Bennett-Henry

#stephaniebennetthenry #ragingrhetoric