The Sweetness of Never 

Think the sky only rains when it’s mad at you? Think the thunder is an announcement to the world that mocks the sound of your cracking and the lightning is nothing more than a slap in the face for how you used to shine… just before it all went dark. And it’s pitch fucking black now. There’s no lighthouse directing your way anymore and you can’t stop getting lost in your own shadow. Well, yes. I’m pissed off about this dream I keep waking from. The one that never lets me see the end. And my pockets are deep with resentment from all the years I closed my eyes to make a wish on a birthday candle that was always lying, and all the stars that never fell, as they winked with a sarcastic twinkle of the joke is on you. The bitter may not taste sweet, but it’s a drug I can’t stop inhaling. My heart got hooked on it early, the sweetness of the way it never was, the way each beat clenched pain like a promise to hold hands with someone forever. Despite the knowing..Despite the slow death, I held onto it for dear fucking life because there was nothing else to hold. So I learned to love it with everything inside of me. I learned to never let it go. It was a love hate relationship, like most relationships. It’s just the way it was. I learned to stay and run away all at once. That’s the most painful kind because you are always there but never really. I run in circles like my head has been cut off, I’m chicken shit. Always chicken shit. But through a window it looks so fucking fierce, almost brave in all the anger written in the glass. No. That’s nothing more than a bullshit message someone finger painted on a cold day. It’s not cold anymore. I’m not cold anymore. I am heated like the volcano in the living room when we thought jumping from couch to couch would save us from all that lava…
and we were always wrong.
Stephanie Bennett-Henry ©2016 

The Sweetness of Never

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